Plans

Well. Steve got his job in S--field. More money, first shift, bonuses, and all, beating the hell out of the deal his current place of employment was offering him to go to Georgia. He gives his two-week notice tomorrow and will be living in a company apartment for the first 90 days, rent and utility free.

We did a lot of talking this week-end, and the plan is for me to join him when school is out.

I am excited and apprehensive at the same time. God, carry me!!!

Sunday Christians

I love my church. It has been my second home since 2001. For the first time in a lifetime of spiritual searching, I found a place where the worship was real and powerful, the people were down-to-earth and spiritually genuine, and the unconditional love of Christ was demonstrated in every way possible. Real women! All in love with Jesus, living lfe to the fullest, pastoring one another with love and compassion. I was thrilled, I was shocked, I was hooked.

The entire year I was living in Monticello, I missed my church and my Y more than my blood family. And that's the horrible, honest truth.

But now, the spiritual climate has changed- at least toward me. My welcome has been chilly as of late (due to my adulterous status, I am sure,) and today I was blown off by two women I once considered my good friends. My best friend and her husband (who are marriage counselors, no less,) had to run to the pastor and counsel with HIM before mediating with Troy and me! (and I am sure they related the story to him in full.) Even R- whom I brought into the church as a confused, hurt, spiritually bound baby Christian- has kept her distance from me.

I could be hurt. I could be offended. But instead, I have chosen to be stubborn. New Life is MY church home, and I dare anyone to try to run me out.

And: FUCK YOU ALL. My marital status or lack thereof is no reflection of my love for God, or His love for me. Hate me, gossip about me, ignore me- I don't care. But just know I would never- could never- treat you the way you are treating me.

Absolute Insanity

That is the only way I can describe the past year: absolute insanity. A separation, a new home, legal procedings, a surgery, financial obligations, parenting issues, health issues. Two uncles with cancer (one terminal,) one crazy mother, a large group of hostile ex in-laws, and a new job that changed both my income and lifestyle.

Can you say PAXIL? (No, I'm not on it. Yet.)

I can definately say this has been one of the most tumultuous years of my life. I am in a much different place on January first of 2008 than I was exactly one year ago today. But have I changed for the better? Is my life better? Am I headed in a positive direction?

Change is almost never easy or pleasant. I can say I take great pride in paying all my own bills, in keeping it together in the house, and in making sure my children are clean, well-fed, and somewhat happy. My fuse is a little shorter, I am a little more stressed and driven (cuz if I don't do it, no one will!) and my fitness level is not where it was. But I no longer walk around heartsick, hating myself, or looking forward with a heavy heart. I have new job prospects. (What I have now pays the bills, but my kids need me home more. And I truly need to get back into college.) I have a new fitness center to play in. And I am still standing. Not bad.

However, the future is still up in the air. No idea where I will be this time next year, sometimes unsure of where Steve and I are going. Still not completely sure what it is that I want in the end.

Lord, I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out.
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt.

-The News Boys