Post-Thanksgiving Blues

Autumn has always been my favorite time of year- from the beginning of school, to the changing leaves, the drop in temperatures, Halloween... right up to Thanksgving. I love the colors, I love the clothes (I'm a girl!) I love the comfort foods, the smell of weiner-roast fires and fireplaces, you name it. But it never fails that by the time Thanksgving rolls around, I am usually deathly sick with my first cold of the season. Though I did not submit to getting a flu shot this year (my family tends to get sicker than a dog from them,) I do take extraordinary precautions to keep myself well: hand sanitizer, vitamins, plenty of fruits and vegetables, and of course, prayer. But sometimes worse comes to worse and I get sick anyway. Like this year.

Despite my bronchitis (yippee- antibiotics. Thanks for the Diflucan, doc, so i don't get a double-whammy,) Thanksgiving was relatively good this year. I had the kids Thurs/Fri and Troy has had them since Friday night- we agreed with no argument- and I had a small dinner here with my dad and step-mom, my kids, and Steve. This is the first time JA and Steve have been in the same house for any period of time, and the decision to insist he stay was made by both his father and me. Surprise! Hell did not freeze over! But that is not to say everything went off without a hitch.

First of all, my three younger children have now become familiar enough with Steve to open up on him with both barrels- especially JJ. He is a very patient man, but he got testy with them this week-end, and for good reason. JJ decided to wipe peanut butter on his shirt during dinner, he demanded Steve take him to Casey's so he could spend his money on new trading cards (banned in my house now,) stole both Steve's wallet and cell phone on separate occasions, and then- the piece de resistance- drew on his shirt with a black marker. All this was on top of the fighting, back-talk, and general mayhem that follows my children on a daily basis, and I was mortified. I made JJ apologise to Steve, but this garbage must stop- and Steve let him know it in a hurry.

I think they really want his attention and are testing him at the same time. They love to pick on him so he'll wrestle with them or chase them around the house- it's really funny and he enjoys it as much as they do. But JA, on the other hand....

Right before Thanksgiving dinner, Steve was wrestling JJ around because JJ was being a pest and seriously asking for it. When they were done, JA came from behind and grabbed Steve and the two of them then began a 'friendly' wrestling match in my kitchen floor. All hell broke loose- I wish I had pictures!- and while Steve eventually won, it was a little tense. JA was testing him, too, but in a much more serious way than his brothers and sister.

But dinner was then a peaceful affair, Friday was kind of crazy... then the kids went to stay with Troy and I spent the balance of the week-end with Steve and Abby. Now, back home and waiting for my kids to arrive, I feel that old familiar sadness I get every Sunday night when I face another long, drawn-out week alone, being Mom to the best of my ability and wishing like crazy Steve was here. He has to go to Tifton in another week or so to start setting up equipment for the new plant and I am going to miss him terribly- not sure what the job future holds for him yet, but there are just no nibbles around here whatsoever. He has floated his resume around (I think it's time to try CMI,) but for some reason I think we are heading East- into indiana. Not sure why I think this, and I need to get away to fast and pray about it- make sure it's God and not me- but I guess it will all be revealed eventually.

And me? Taking care of business, worrying over money, trying to keep my fitness from slipping and, oh yeah, there is a good possibility I may be pregnant.

Ain't life grand?

Ambivalent II

Okay. So I'll get down to what I really wanted to write about, and that is the Ex.

He looks like a cancer patient. Really. He has lost a massive amount of weight, making his cheeks sunk in and his clothes hang off his body. The scruffy beard doesn't help much, either. I know he just had surgery, but I told him today in my office that he needs to eat. Pronto.

Seeing him like that made me feel sorry for him, made me long for the days when I still believed he loved me. Or that, if I was just good enough, he would eventually love me. When I had hope that the dreams we dreamed together as college students would actually one day become reality. I can honestly say I miss that person.

And I wonder where that man went for the past 16 years. Every so often, I would get a glimpse of him- when he was relaxed enough to let down his guard and be Troy again. It never lasted very long, but it kept me hoping, kept me praying. The man who took me fossil hunting, who watched history documentaries by the dozen, shopped the OLD Banana Republic catalogue, listened to CCR and was so very kind to me.

I guess I am divorcing a very different man than I married, at least at the very first of our marriage. I would like to leave my children the legacy of two parents who at least, once upon a time, thought it would last a life time, a long, sunny, happy life time.

And what does one do with the good memories? Give them to God for safe keeping?

Ambivalent

Has it really been over two weeks since I posted?!!

Okay- Halloween was a big BUST for me since I worked that evening and Troy took the kids trick-or-treating. They came home with a large Eddie Bauer bag full of candy. Gee, thanks. I took a Walmart bag full to work, but it barely made a dent in it. It's almost gone now. And I wonder why my childrens' eyeballs bounce all the time.

No pix of the costumes, either. Blah.

Sorry, Kara.