Ambivalent II

Okay. So I'll get down to what I really wanted to write about, and that is the Ex.

He looks like a cancer patient. Really. He has lost a massive amount of weight, making his cheeks sunk in and his clothes hang off his body. The scruffy beard doesn't help much, either. I know he just had surgery, but I told him today in my office that he needs to eat. Pronto.

Seeing him like that made me feel sorry for him, made me long for the days when I still believed he loved me. Or that, if I was just good enough, he would eventually love me. When I had hope that the dreams we dreamed together as college students would actually one day become reality. I can honestly say I miss that person.

And I wonder where that man went for the past 16 years. Every so often, I would get a glimpse of him- when he was relaxed enough to let down his guard and be Troy again. It never lasted very long, but it kept me hoping, kept me praying. The man who took me fossil hunting, who watched history documentaries by the dozen, shopped the OLD Banana Republic catalogue, listened to CCR and was so very kind to me.

I guess I am divorcing a very different man than I married, at least at the very first of our marriage. I would like to leave my children the legacy of two parents who at least, once upon a time, thought it would last a life time, a long, sunny, happy life time.

And what does one do with the good memories? Give them to God for safe keeping?